Returning to blog life after 11 years, with a special one…
15 years ago, my step dad Kirk passed away from cancer. Today I am remembering him, reflecting on the loss of him, and the trauma and change that still deeply impacts my brother and me today.
A short two weeks after I had received a call from my 12 year old brothers school to say he hadn’t been picked up from school. They asked “Could I pick him up, as his dad had been rushed to hospital”. I was in Lincoln at the time, and my brother in West Yorkshire.. I somehow sorted the logistics, got him safety picked up, and was there the same day on public transport.
The next day we went to visit Kirk in hospital…I knew, and he knew he was deeply sick, and as I held his hand, he asked me one of the most important, impactful but easiest questions of my life.
“Can you look after Oskar… I need him to be safe and cared for”
There wasn’t even a thought, “Yes”
Within two weeks of sitting with him in hospital, I received a text from his family to say Kirk had passed away.
The day is still fresh in my brain.. first receiving a text to say they didn’t think he had long left.. to trying to figure out if I could get there with my brother to see him one last time… trying to explain to my brother that his dad didn’t have long to live, and then an hour later…changing forever my brothers life as he knew it when I had to tell him his dad had passed away. Both of our lives changed forever, deeply impacted by the trauma’s of loss and change.
In the space of two weeks I went from a 22 year old trying to revise for my final year exams and write my dissertation, to an instant Kinship parent to my brother who was full of grief and trauma… with zero support from external services.
15 years later my brother is back living with me, and at a recent event for Kinship carers I shared some of my experience.. and I kept calling him son, I didn’t mean to, but apparently it was something in my heart that said the words without thought.
It’s a strange experience to go from siblings that really hadn’t seen each other for almost 10 years as I had gone into the care system, while he had stayed with his dad, to “parent”. The previous year his dad had admitted to trying to keep us apart, as he didn’t know if seeing me and my older brother, would risk him also seeing our mum (something he wanted to not happen).. I had explained I hadn’t seen her for years myself; estranged through my choice of emotional safety.
I have reflected a lot about the levels of grief and change that happens within something that comes from a place of love… to take on my brother without question.
My brothers grief of losing “his person”, and his world.
His grief in the massive change of coming to me, new expectations, rules, beliefs.. life.
I faced grief at the time too, for the loss of someone who had been my stepdad for a substantial amount of time before I went into the care system.
Grief of my life changing completely in direction, and experience.
Grief in not knowing what I was meant to be doing, how to look after a child, how to understand his trauma, and advocate for him in school and health settings.
I remember at the time feeling so lost and alone in it all, searching for support, some kind of “book” to know how to do “this”. The “this” being too big to comprehend at times.
Trying to keep my brother “safe”… safe from more harm, safe from the pain, safe from more loss. I couldn’t of course keep him safe from all of that.
Grief and loss isn’t something we can hold and take on for others so they don’t feel it… we can only sit with them, holding space and love them in their journey.
So what can we do those spaces?
I think retrospectively about that time, and recently been reflecting with my brother on our journey.
Something that’s been really important between us, is me being very open about not getting it right, and explaining I didn’t know it all, and saying sorry for not always being the safe space he needed within it all.
Providing him with my understanding of what happened at the time, the decisions that were made, and how those choices impacted us…reflecting together, and healing some parts that still held grief even after so many years.
At the recent events I with Kinship carers, as we shared experiences, I could feel and see the same grief so many of them were also facing, and also the beauty of finding a village of support too within the Kinship Support groups.
While things have improved so much for kinship carers since my journey started, there’s still a lot of work to do to ensure kinship families feel supported, acknowledged and provided with spaces and knowledge to heal.
As I response I have decided to put together a mini series of training for kinship families, bringing in lived experiences, and professional and academic knowledge.
I can’t and wouldn’t want to do this alone, so I am inviting my network to join in partnership to co-produce this piece of work. To learn and share together to create meaningful knowledge and change.
If you have an area you would like to cover, even if you haven’t created and ran training before, that’s okay. This opportunity comes with mentorship and guidance in how we can translate experiences and knowledge into meaningful outcomes.
If you would like to collaborate please get in touch and we can start that journey together ✨