A poem influenced by Rudy Francisco by Carrie Wilson

Reclaiming

As I reflect on my concluding thoughts and the conclusions of my PhD journey,

and my life so far

in, around and through this time

Days, weeks, years…

I reflect deeply on each moment




Looking towards the unreachable castle of success and happiness in the distance

coming up against

Walls I needed to break down, and stumble and fall down the other side.


Dusty,
Painful knees and heart


Ground that moved with every step, meant to shake me to my core

At times, I had to lie still on that ground

not to avoid the constant movement but


To Reclaim

knowledge of my core strength
my balance to be able to take each step



Streams at times became rivers, meant to drown me


Water filling my lungs with Suffocating fear

Fear of letting go
Fear of the future
Fear that the pain was just too much


Panic I cannot breath here.

I need to fight
to be seen
to be heard
to be recognised


by those who were never looking in my direction.



Exhausted from it all in the tumbling of the water

I stopped fighting I became still

I let the water take me with the flow.


Within that stillness

Instead of being taken under

Instead of drowning

I became something new


I realised I could breath and I could build


Then 


I remembered I always could

Not new at all, just forgotten.



Instead of drowning
Instead of reaching for someone else's castle

I Reclaimed
My Strength
My Knowledge
My Passion
My Love
My Fears
My Grief


The water washing away

the expectations and weight of others
who never dared to walk the path
or took the time to hold my hand along the way

the fear and weight of self
that I did not have the ability 
that I did not have the strength
to be seen just as me.




So, as I reflect on the journey of the PhD and the life around it

The words on the pages 

just words to most

an end product of hard work

a qualification to show a quantifiable skill



I see the journey behind those words

It provided a road, or maybe a beaten path at times
To run, walk, stumble, crawl... forwards 


But really it has been
A journey of more


It provides the outcome of
A declaration to self; This is mine and it will not be taken from me


Reclaiming
I can breathe
I can build
I can be me 
And I do this for no one but me.



So, where now?

The path forwards, no longer a run, a sprint for survival


Instead, an unknown path...a slow wandering through the woods


Taking in
the smells of the forest
the sunlight filtering through the leaves
the stream bubbling and flowing over the rocks
the emotions acting in paradox with each other


Reflecting 
On the realisation that the journey was not survival

It was Reclaiming

I am Safe. 

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

Images: Marley and the wildlings
Reclaiming Retreat: Fabled Moon Mystic  and Nik Taylor